My therapist says it’s time to write the truth about myself and my life. Apparently, being seen is one of my last trauma triggers. Looking at the way I assiduously avoid sharing the things I care about most, I can see it. Avoiding, hiding in plain sight, that’s my talent. Speaking up so loudly about other people and social injustices makes it seem like I’m fully here all the time while I carefully (what’s the word we hate?) curate what’s seen about me.
This isn’t meant to be a true confessional verbal dumping, although who really knows what would come out. More of an honest accounting of how I got here, and where here is. Health, trauma, recovery from chronic stress and PTSD, living with chronic illness, and ultimately thriving. I’m not fixed or cured or reborn, but I am turning some kind of corner in my life. My acupuncturist tells me I have a second life coming: I’m different than I’ve been and there’s a whole new experience of the world for me to step into.
The thing is, I’m afraid to step into it. Irrationally (still) afraid of explosive rages, accusations of selfishness and misrepresentation, emotional manipulation and blackmail, and just generally being in trouble for speaking. For competing for space, air, attention (because of course it’s all already allocated to others, none free for me). For daring to believe that what I think or create or experience is worth sharing, is as valid as anything else by anyone else.
Writing this gave me the stress jitters. I wanted to scream, cry, and delete delete delete. Then I read it over and it’s really not that dramatic. So, in a new blog, I might write more thoroughly about stuff. (Vague much?) No gimmicks, that’s another part of my marching orders. No hiding behind songs or other people’s words.
I heard this on the radio this morning, and (after reminiscing about seeing them in concert at Purdue with my Purdue crew) I thought, “Sure. Why not. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Reading this paragraph gave me – not quite stress jitters, but that almost-crying feeling and excitement of YES. Yes. Me, too. Not all of it, because you and I have different humans in our background and different stories. But oddly now I have a human in my foreground who does some of these things too for different (but the same) reasons: We’re neurodiverse, mentally different, and we go around and around in our heads about it. I was not explicitly told I was not special, but there was shame in being “special” all the same.
Okay, I’m tangenting a bit, which is fine, I know, but it’s not what I wanted to to here. What I wanted to do here is say: I see and hear you and your story is one I want to hear and share with you. Not only that, but you have written enough words here, bravely and well, to connect (reconnect) with me.
“The thing is, I’m afraid to step into it. Irrationally (still) afraid of explosive rages, accusations of selfishness and misrepresentation, emotional manipulation and blackmail, and just generally being in trouble for speaking. For competing for space, air, attention (because of course it’s all already allocated to others, none free for me). For daring to believe that what I think or create or experience is worth sharing, is as valid as anything else by anyone else.”
This last part – “daring to believe” in our intrinsic worth and the value and interest of our creative work – this is the part that is crowding my heart every single day.
I’ve been writing offline – so the URL below has old posts. I might be back there soon. x
Thank you, friend. I appreciate where our stories are similar; where they diverge there is room for learning, caring, and understanding too. Sorry it took me so long to realize there were comments here! I, um, didn’t realize anyone was listening. How typical, eh? I hope you are well. x
Aw dang, Moirarts, you got me all choked up. I, for one, am looking forward to the day I start my new life, and I’m here to cheer you on as you start yours. I admire your courage. Keep going!
Thank you! I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize there were comments waiting for my attention.
No worries! Take good care!